Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

spicy snake

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”