Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Already got one

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

I hope they boil the right one.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf