Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Uh oh…

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY