Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.