Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Good morning, Twitter x

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Namaste

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!