Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates