me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
You Might Also Like
selena gomez
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
feetloaf
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.