ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.