Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.