Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

first you must answer his riddles

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning