Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

But is it really??

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”