Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Fiction has to make sense.

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.