me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Breaking news:
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
When life hands you women, make women laid.