Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Fidel Castro was alive?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
