Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.