Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’m never leaving this app.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*pronounces fake like saké*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”