Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
My spirit animal is fried chicken
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
smartest karate player in the world
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Happy birthday to all the women
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.