Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
This is hilarious….
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything