Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler