@ArfMeasures

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

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@Contwixt

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

@Henry_3k

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@robfromonline

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good