Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good