ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.