ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible


ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.


If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.


CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.


1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.


Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were


I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.


I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?


fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt


THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler