ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.