Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Has there ever been a more American story?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig