Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child