ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
What the hell is going on?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Saturday
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Yes
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
we’re dead?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
