me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.