me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
asking santa clause for nudes
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy