Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Here’s a meme

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth