Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.