Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.