Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Wake me when AI does housework

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again