Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus