Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Let’s Go
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
🤣😂🤣😂
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?