Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”