Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?