Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

just make the entire table out of coaster

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.