Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
sleeping beauty
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?