Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.