Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.