Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life