Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Become ungovernable.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.