Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

File under excellent bookstore names.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head