Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Finally

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Hit me in the face with a bird

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.