Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Asking the real questions!

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

🤣🤣

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

🤣🤣🤣

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*