Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

😂😂

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.