Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]