Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Unexpected Judgment

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Note to self: I am a note