Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

This raises questions

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.