Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.