Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
sir, my pâté if you please
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.