Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Uh oh…
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.