Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me after eating Cheetos
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Natural selection at its finest
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day