Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
#milo
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Employees must applaud the planets.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen