@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

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@angibangie

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

@BuddyLieras

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@smerobin

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!