Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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*Deletes account because a stranger on the internet told them to
Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!