@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

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@InternetHippo

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

@wickedsuga

alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

@0000seapea808

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

@djdarrellripley

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

@continentlbkfst

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@jdforshort

College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs

@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.