Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me when my alarm goes off
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs