Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.