Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.