Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

concern

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin