Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

❤️❤️❤️

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.