Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You Might Also Like
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.