Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better