Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

*puts cutlery down*

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

New nose

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.