Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

😸

Breaking news:

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea