me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off