me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
tell em, edith-anne
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano