Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye