Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?