Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Merica.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie