Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

You are what you delete.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.