Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Poetry is my passion

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.