Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Imma just leave this here…………

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Bloody internet 😳

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD