Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

2022 be like

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

GM✌🏻

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)