Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Camel dough

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.