Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…