Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
True freaking story!
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
CUTE CAT‼︎
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.