Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Is….Is this an option?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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