Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”