Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.