Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

mom gave me mine for free

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

idk flipping houses looks really hard

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.