Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room