Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.