Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.