Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…