Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Oh the world we live in…
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.